I had my face plastered in the local papers advertising the fact that I had written and published my first novel and low and behold I start getting heavy panting down my mobile phone complete with groans and moans.
At first I thought the poor guy was having a heart attack whilst yanking his chipolata over a picture of me! I asked him if he was okay and did he need me to call an ambulance. I won't tell you his exact reply, but it was along the lines of calling for his maker.
Now I wasn't really that upset about it... (In fact I laughed at him once and asked him if he had his magnifying glass and tweezers to hand), but I was more annoyed that he has been disturbing my beauty sleep for a few weeks now... And please tell me, what sort of a man wakes up at 2 am and decides to ring me up for a little self gratification when he could quite easily pay £5 per minute listening to someone who is paid a minimum wage to grunt and groan down the phone back at him? Oh and nearly every town has a red light district!
Anyway I got fed up with my new found celebrity status (even if it is only a localised one) and I called the police to report the nuisance and trace the call. Before you all start wondering how the guy got my number, I am not saying anything incriminating here except if I do find out who it is and I meet them face to face I will do more than offer them a pair of tweezers, a titanium reinforced codpiece would be needed at this moment in time.
I can look on the positive to just about anything negative in my life. I was chatting to a colleague at work about it and I suddenly had this flash of inspiration, what if this guy was a respected member of his community and he led this seedier life behind closed doors. All these fantastic ideas came up for a new novel that has nothing to with The Beyond or supernatural, but something much more illicit... My colleague and I came up with a fantastic working title...
THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF WANKER MAN!!!
Like I said it is a working title.
My artists impression of Wanker Man... (A condom has been blown up over his head to protect the innocent)
